Question
i figured self esteem has a little bit to do w/ health, so that's why this is here.

why do we women intrinsically compare ourselves, whether it's breast size, general appearance, husband's incomes (or our own), to how we live our lives? this may not apply to any of you, but i've been noticing this a lot lately, both in myself and in other female acquaintances. personally, i'm a triplet, so comparing was something thrust upon me in most circumstances when i was still young. i have an identical sister and a fraternal sister, whom i have thought was gorgeous since i was little. people automatically bracket you when you are this close in age and appearance, so i have spent my whole life being compared to and comparing other people. this went from looks, popularity, intelligence/grades, etc. as my sisters and i have grown, we've gotten out of the habit of this constant scrutinization, but i still feel it's part of my make up. so.... i have a "friend" who had her baby two months behind shea. she and i were the same general size when we got pregnant (respectively), and she used to always make comments about how much she'd gained or lost... i gained about 50 pounds w/ the gestatinal diabetes, and it used to irk me so much that she constantly brought it up! since her little girl was born, she's constantly remarking on our parenting approaches... as in i'm more prone to pick shea up than let him cry and i'm spoiling him, etc. this REALLY bothers me. the thing is, i'm not completely sure she's even aware she's doing it. she's one of those people who's alwasy been a drama queen, and i'm just not sure if she's really out ot compete w/ me or if she's just being a snot. and the women at church are even worse...some woman commented how unfortunate i am that i'm still wearing some maternity clothes as i can't fit into pre-preg clothes and just don't have the time, energy, or money to go buy an entire (hopefully abbreviated) wardrobe!!! is this just catty or what?? not to mention what ya'll have heard me mention before in that i just LOVE when people ask me how long rickey and i were married before we got pregnant and we have to *admit* we have only been married since jan.... i'm SO SICK of people!!!! why can't i be a slightly overweight just-4-months-post-pregnancy mom who LOVES her son to death, such that i'm ok w/ holding him more than most people and don't want ot hear him cry (as much for my nerves as his consolation!) and that well, i am human and i love having sex w/ my husband and do not regret having done it before i was married!!!!! maybe i'm hormonal right now, or lonely b/cs rickey is out of town, but i'm just so tired of being judged and compared!!!

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First,

Second....it is totally ok that you are 4 months post-pregnant and you are so busy being a loving mom that losing pregnancy weight is the last thing on your mind!! I don't know why we as women constantly find ourselves comparing ourselves with each other, whether it be body style, breast size, parenting style, even cooking skills. I suppose that from the time we are little, we are surrounded by images of what a "good body" looks like, or a "well-kept home"; these ideals that were created and very few people achieve, but still leave many women comparing themselves against.

Maybe she doesn't realize she is comparing herself to you all the while....maybe she is extra tired because she lets her baby cry more and that wears her out....who knows?

It is rude of those women to say about your maternity clothes. Why not wear them....it makes perfect sense to me! You have them available, don't have to spend money on new clothes....and you'll eventually get back into your old clothes, so why not wear what you have now?

Sometimes people don't realize the things they say are very hurtful.

You have a beautiful son and a wonderful family......who cares what other people say about how it came about or you now. We are here for you!!!

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I am sorry you encountering such people.

I think we as women are taught from an early age to compare ourselves to others. I don't think men do this nearly as often.

Personally, I think you are lovely, have a kind spirit and those women at church are just mean. And you know, why are people even asking how long you were married before you had your son? I would just smile at them and say something like, "Rickey and I seem to have been together forever," and sigh, changing the subject. It's none of their business, but such a response will put them on the defensive, because you have something they don't, love.

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((((((((((((((((((((((((((clairon13))))))))))))))) )))))


I have learned ....

You can't please everyone all the time.
Someone will always critisize or judge you but what REALLY matters is what you think of yourself.

99.9% of women are not super model sized so don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to them.

Moms can't be everything to everyone and keep their sanity too. There is far far far to much pressure out there to be super mom, super wife, super employee and super woman all rolled into one.

Oh yes, and women (as a group) are catty ... I don't know if they are this way because they are out to build their own egos or perhaps we are just meaner than men (but for the most part, I prefer to hang around men. Wouldn't life be so much better if we just supported each other?).

Oh I could go on and on but it sounds like every thing has built up to the point of exasperation for you.

Not to worry; you are normal ... everyone around you are a bunch of turkeys

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I totally agree with SerendipityCrafts! Most women (and some men!) only cut others down to either boost their own failing self-esteem or to call attention to themselves, or both.
Do something nice for yourself (I know, with a baby, it's nearly impossible to even find time to brush your hair some days), even if it's just to spray on a spritz of cologne or to sit down and drink a cup of coffee or tea.

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I am so sorry that you're going through this right now.

This is why I don't have very many female friends. As a generalization, women can be very bitchy, and I just don't have the desire to surround myself with people like this.

Is your friend as happy being a mom as you are? Maybe she's just jealous because you've taken to motherhood so well.

As for the people who comment on you wearing maternity clothing or how long you've been married - They're just plain rude. Don't let their comments bother you.

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You can do what ever you want! I think that babies should be spoiled a little bit. Who else is going to spoil them other than you? I think more power to you. I hope that these other women dont bother you. I know it is hard to ignore but they havent walked a mile in your shoes so they dont know what makes you happy!! As long as you are Happy girl more power to you!!!

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Next time someone makes a comment about your maternity clothes and why you still wear them, tell them that your husband is urging you to gain weight cuz he looves chunky women OR ask them "do you wanna give me money and babysit for me so i can go buy new clothes?"

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That woman at the church is just obnoxious. I love Kim's suggestion of just saying that it feels like forever.

This site is probably the only place in my life where I can be honest and not feel judged (anymore), and I really feel that I'm genuinely cared about. I have my real girlfriends of course, and I love them to death, but I'm more open here than I am in real life most of the time.

We've developed a really, really strong and wonderful "support group" here and I wouldn't give it up for the world. There is also nothing I wouldn't do for any one of you at any time - and that includes "real life" too. If Complicated said she needs a real life hug, I'm getting in my car and driving 2 hours to give it to her. If Feb needed one, it'll take me longer b/c I'm not getting on a plane yet, lol.

So, when real life has you pissed off, feeling inadequate or guilty or crazy - you know that we're all here for you and with you. We all go through this in our lives for a ton of different reasons. We're luckier than most in that we've found each other through this site (thanks Steve!), some women have no one to talk to.

Maybe your friend feels like that in some ways? She has to "one-up" you and probably everyone else she comes in contact with to make herself feel better. I would just have patience with her at this time. She has as many hormones floating around as you do, and she's probably dealing with a lot of things you may not know about.

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thank you ladies!!!! i needed all your affirmation, i swear!!!! i agree, this place has been an amazing support place for me..... even when i haven't been as active as i've wanted to be.... thanks for the hugs and words of kindness. maybe she is going thru a harder adjustment than i thought... see? i can be self-centered too!! lol
shaks... LOVED the idea of my dh loves chunky women!! it cracked me up. and kim, your idea is perfect. i'm definitely going to use it if i have to.

y'all are the best!!!!

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I'm so sorry you have these awful people in your life being so negative towards you! You are a beautiful women and you and your loving husband have made a beautiful boy and dont let anyone spoil that for you!

I agree with everything all the other ladies have said, and I'm the same as Heather I share more with you guys than I do in my real life - I think women are generally bitchy and do need to 'one up' each other all the time in real life - even I am a culprit at times I am embarassed to admit!

Anyway darling I hope you are feeling a little better and rant all you want, we are here for you!! The amazing thing is knowing that I one day when I have babies I will probably go through similar situations in my life like you are now and I know that you will be here to support me, and the rest of the girls too!!!

Take care and remember we all love you

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Clairon, just try to keep thinking your happy thoughts and feel sorry for those poor women out there who feel the need to try to make others feel bad in order for them to feel better. It really is a sickness, I swear.

You just keep being the happy mom that you are and try not to let those other people bother you. It's easier said than done, I know, but we all have to try. Otherwise we'll drive ourselves mad.

And yes, I find myself doing comparisons all the time. I'm always looking at other pregnant women wondering how far along they are and how much weight they've gained in comparison to me. I shouldn't do that. We're all women who gain weight and grow babies differently and we shouldn't even try to compare. It's truly not worth it.



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Originally Posted by labeadel And yes, I find myself doing comparisons all the time. I'm always looking at other pregnant women wondering how far along they are and how much weight they've gained in comparison to me. I shouldn't do that. We're all women who gain weight and grow babies differently and we shouldn't even try to compare. It's truly not worth it.


I think its totally normal to compare yourself to other but ofcourse there's a good way and a bad way, which this lady is doing it the negative way.

I'm sure when you're curious to know how far along these women are or how much they've gained weight, youre not looking to point a finger. Most of the time, you want to know if youre on the same track and experiencing what any normal woman experiences. etc.

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I am sooo sorry you have to deal with this right now

Number one, picking your 4 month baby up when he is crying in NOT spoiling him, at four months old he is crying because he has some necessity he needs met, and since he can't just come out and say "he mommy i need a hug, or I'm hungy" he has to cry. . . That is a personal pet peeve of mine.

Number two, I gained 40 lbs when I had Ace, and i still havn't lost all of it. It is completly normal to gain weight when you are pregnant, and unfortunatly, it is some of the hardest weightto get off. There are women out there who just drop the weight off right after having a a baby, but they are rare, and lucky. I don't know if you are breast feeding or not, but it is often even harder to loose weight while breast feeding because you have to eat extra to keep both mother and baby healthy. You baby is clearly the most importantthingto you right now, so yeah, you are going to spend more time caring for him that working out at some gym, that's OK.

Number three, unfortunaly women are judgement partially by nature, partially because it was something we were tought at a young age. Unfortunaly I think we all do it to some degree. I am not trying to defend anyone by saying that, cuz it does suck. Just try to be the stronger person. Hope it gets better for ya soon.

Oh and one for Shea too

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Agree with all of the above again.

Also, I compare boobs all the time, lol. I've never had any so when I see a woman with a nice rack - I immediately hate her.

Margie totally knows how I feel about her chest, lol.

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Originally Posted by Heather Agree with all of the above again.

Also, I compare boobs all the time, lol. I've never had any so when I see a woman with a nice rack - I immediately hate her.

Margie totally knows how I feel about her chest, lol.

Big boobs can be a curse you know!!!! lol

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I know... but just once I want to be able to bitch about having big boobs.

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Heather! I will give you some of my hip/butt fat so you can put em on your boobs.

I heard women today at work talking about another woman that is expecting the end of December. They were talking pretty rudely I think, saying she needed to keep working because she was getting fat. HOLY COW SHE IS DUE IN A LITTLE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS WOMEN! I hate to hear what they say behind my back.

I would much rather work with men, and for years my friends have been mostly men. They are easier to get along with, I can talk politics and religion with them and they know where I am coming from (I grew up in a very vocal household, we were encouraged to form opinions and discuss them, most women aren't encouraged in this way it seems). But I would like to have some female friends IRL. I wish I lived nearer to many of you, maybe we should start a Pashville?!

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pashville!!! i love it!!!!!!
yeah, i used to have more male than female friends in high school, but in college i actually found 3 wonderful girlfriends. then as life does, we've all kind of gone our own ways (geographically mostly), and while i'm still close, things are different. i'd completely agree... i share much more on here and on the baby forum i'm a part of than i do w/ anybody except my identical sister. (amy, i compared my prego body as well--but at least if i felt victorious [!!!] i kept it to myslef, unlike my 'friend'!! lol)

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Heather- I'd love to have like a B cup or so. We can trade!

If I compare, I keep my hole shut!

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I really don't have nothing to add every one has said some great stuff. I just want to add be your self your few extra pounds don't make you a different person.

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Originally Posted by Heather Also, I compare boobs all the time, lol. I've never had any so when I see a woman with a nice rack - I immediately hate her.

*speaking as someone who has had a reduction*

Everytime I see someone wearing a skimpy tank top, braless - I immediately hate her.

Everytime I see someone buying a cute matching bra and panty set - I immediately hate her.

Everytime I see someone jogging without knocking themselves silly - I immediately hate her.

I would like to have some more removed To Heather, I leave my chest!

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Heather you can have some of mine too! My Mum and my sister were blessed with nice little B-cups but noooooooooo I had to end up with the annoying, hard to find clothes to fit DD-cups

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I compare myself to other women CONSTANTLY. I always come up short. I don't know why I do it, I drive myself crazy and always have, even when I was thin and looked beautiful!

I'm trying to learn from my past and find beauty in who I am right now, because I am sure that ten years from now I will look back and think I looked adorable, but it's hard! I am starting to like the way I look in pictures, which is a start. It's slow going, though.

I do like my boobs, though -- they're a D but look right because I'm thick everywhere else. I just hate trying to find bras. So many of the pretty ones stop at a 38C. I mean, I might be chubby, but I'm still young and don't want to be the one with the big ol' granny bra straps hanging out! LOL

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Originally Posted by Complicated Woman So many of the pretty ones stop at a 38C. I mean, I might be chubby, but I'm still young and don't want to be the one with the big ol' granny bra straps hanging out! LOL
OMG I hate that too!! All the cute sexy ones have these thin flimsy straps that just arent going to hold my boobs up it totally sucks! I absolutely hate going bra shopping too I always end up getting upset so I try to avoid it as much as possible!