Question
Hey all,
I have a question about dealing with negative family members. I know that this has been covered before, but I have to re-visit this because I feel my situation is a little bit different.
My father.... *sigh* The most controlling, manipulative man on the face of the planet.... quick background: I grew up in private school. Daddy was on the board of the church. He had a very intense version of what he still maintains was "discipline". Throughout my childhood, I learned to fear him, but I also learned to feel guilty for my fear, which was essentially disrespectful. I was made to believe I was a bad child for feeling anything other than absolute devotion to such a "wonderful" provider and father. The duality of his personality was, and still is, dizzying at best. (my nickname for him ... behind his back... used to be napoleon:wink:)
I have my own family now, I am the mother of three small children. I have a husband, and established life, and he still finds ways to pollute my world with his negativity. He corrects my grammar at social functions, attempts to step in and "parent" my children, cuts me short when I am speaking, and still treats me like a child. 2 years ago, my husband and I fell on hard financial times. During the same period, our vehicle completely died. My father stepped in, and did us a "favor" by purchasing a vehicle for us, and setting up a payment schedule so that we could pay him back. Hubby and I are doing much better financially now, and we have always stayed on top of the payments to my father. Matter of fact, we have given him lump sums, larger than the expected payments on more than one occasion. (I'll get back to this later.)
As I said, I have three small children. I've breastfed them all, and I have always had deep-seated issues with the size of my breasts. I'm sure that many of you can relate when I say that I've cried almost every time I've gone bra-shopping, I've hidden myself from partners, and avoided the beach like the plague. Recently, DH and I had a sum of money arrive that we weren't counting on, and DH suggested to me that I use the money for myself, because I have worked so hard for this family, often thanklessly. I chose a http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=2109
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Answer
Well I am very sorry to here of this negative relationship with your father, it must be very frustrating and painful. I am not sure how I would handle this, maybe you could tell him you changed your mind and not getting them. I know my Dad does not know of My BA and I have 32DDD. I just wear baggy T-shirts and blouses when I see him (which isn't alot). My mom knows and accepts it, she just didn't tell my Dad because I asked her too. Hopefully some of the other girls will have some good idea's. Good luck...BA 6-15-06 390's filled to 420 cc unders, saline, moderate. PreBA 34B, post BA 32DDD/34DD
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O gosh, Im sorry this is happening. I really hate it when people use the word t$%ts. It just seems like a disrespect for our bodies. I wish people to stop using that, but anyway. I would say your going to have to not sink to his lever for one and second you will have to leave him out of your life while you are going through this so not to get you down. I think if you are away long enough he will see what he is missing and come around. I had a similare issue with someone who has been neg to me and it does hurt deep. Especially when its not in the norm for that person to be that way (in my case) Your case is he has always had this and you know him to be this way. Since you cant change him all you can do take care of yourself and know that none of it is your fault. Good Luck! http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=1296
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My Father sounds very similar to yours. I think that it is great that you told your family! I live very far from my family and will not be telling my Dad. Yes, I know that is chicken of me but I will avoid the argument if I can. I have seen in my own life that because I was raised to fear and obey my Father I still hate to upset him even though I am an Adult and should not let his opinion sway me. The good news is that we are adults and we get to live our own Good Luck with everything! I am here if you need to vent.
Pen


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I never told my father about my BA and you had a lot of courage being upfront with your family especially given your circumstances. I wish you a lot of luck and happiness with or without a BA. I can't believe the same person on the board of the church would actually use that language especially towards his own daughter. It sounds like your husband is a gem and will support you all the way and you must consider yourself lucky in that aspect!


Answer
I cant say i know what you going through because my mom and dad arent together but i do see him , but not alot.
I doubt my dad will notice, i do the same and wear baggy shirts.
But back to you, I feel that you should do anything with your body, of course i understand how fathers can be because even to this day iam still afarid to tell my father and my older brother. (Especially for the fact, that i only turn 18 three months ago).
You cant be always depressed. If you think this is right for you and will make you more happier then go for it! Like your husband said, you deserve something good for your self.
Goodluck with what you do and let us know how you are gonna be doing.


Answer
I am really sorry that you are having to deal with such disrespect from you father. He should be supportive an understanding. I think you need to tackle this head on and inform him that you have always been on time with the payments and will continue to do so. While you appreciate every thing that he has done for you it is in fact your life to with as you please. You and your husband make the decisions for you family and you have decided that this is something that you need to do for you. You would like him to be more respectful toward you in the future and if he feels that he can not do so then you will spend less time around him. You need to let him know that the words he used were inappropriate and you will not tolerate them used toward you or any other female. You love him but this is your life and you have to live it for yourself.
Good luck and remember that you are doing this for you and your husband likes the idea so you should go for it. We will be here for you.http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=1636
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Answer
You aren't planning on missing a payment to him, so he has no reason to be upset. He has no right to any of the $$ that you received either.
I am very stubborn. If someone told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do, that would just fuel me to make sure I did it. I am not sayig you should tackle this the same way, that's just me.
My step father told me I couldn't get my ears pierced again when I was 14. An ice cube, potato, an earring, and 5 minutes later... voila! Pierced ears!! I shouldn't have done that, but you should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless!Moderator, BA Boards
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"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties." Harry S Truman


Answer
You aren't planning on missing a payment to him, so he has no reason to be upset. He has no right to any of the $$ that you received either.
I am very stubborn. If someone told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do, that would just fuel me to make sure I did it. I am not sayig you should tackle this the same way, that's just me.
My step father told me I couldn't get my ears pierced again when I was 14. An ice cube, potato, an earring, and 5 minutes later... voila! Pierced ears!! I shouldn't have done that, but you should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless!
You and I are VERY similar it seems. I did the same thing with the earring, except I was 15, and I didn't stop until I had 3 more earrings in each side! I can relate to the stubborness. I do plan on doing this, regardless of what he thinks. I'm actually planning on not giving him any details. He has no idea when my surgery date is, or even that I've made one. He knows that I was seriously considering the surgery, and went on a consult.
As much as my stubborn nature infuriates my father, I wonder if he realizes that he's inadvertently created it?? http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=2109
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Answer
You need to let him know that the words he used were inappropriate and you will not tolerate them used toward you or any other female.
I've actually been planning my speech. I'm sure that this surgery will be the catalyst to opening a HUGE can of worms that has needed attention for some time. He is incredibly chauvinistic, and I don't tolerate ANY man speaking that way... and yet I have allowed him to speak any way he chooses, inorder to avoid conflict.
When this blows wide open I WILL speak my mind, and I will have DH standing behind me.
*hugs*http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=2109
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Answer
You aren't planning on missing a payment to him, so he has no reason to be upset. He has no right to any of the $$ that you received either.
I am very stubborn. If someone told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do, that would just fuel me to make sure I did it. I am not sayig you should tackle this the same way, that's just me.
My step father told me I couldn't get my ears pierced again when I was 14. An ice cube, potato, an earring, and 5 minutes later... voila! Pierced ears!! I shouldn't have done that, but you should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless!
You and I are VERY similar it seems. I did the same thing with the earring, except I was 15, and I didn't stop until I had 3 more earrings in each side! I can relate to the stubborness. I do plan on doing this, regardless of what he thinks. I'm actually planning on not giving him any details. He has no idea when my surgery date is, or even that I've made one. He knows that I was seriously considering the surgery, and went on a consult.
As much as my stubborn nature infuriates my father, I wonder if he realizes that he's inadvertently created it?? Hi Stringbean....sorry to be joining so late to this discussion, but I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for standing up for what you know is right for yourself...I've been around many people who are like you describe your Dad is, and it takes our utmost strength and determination to deal with them. You are so blessed to have such an understanding and supportive husband, and what you do for yourself and what decisions you make about any aspect of your life are nobody else's business. You will be thrilled not only with your ba results but with how it feels to stand up for yourself....it's incredibly empowering and one of the best feelings in the world. Keep that in mind as you do battle and you will be more than ok. Maajida


Answer
You aren't planning on missing a payment to him, so he has no reason to be upset. He has no right to any of the $$ that you received either.
I am very stubborn. If someone told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do, that would just fuel me to make sure I did it. I am not sayig you should tackle this the same way, that's just me.
My step father told me I couldn't get my ears pierced again when I was 14. An ice cube, potato, an earring, and 5 minutes later... voila! Pierced ears!! I shouldn't have done that, but you should have seen the look on his face! It was priceless!
You and I are VERY similar it seems. I did the same thing with the earring, except I was 15, and I didn't stop until I had 3 more earrings in each side! I can relate to the stubborness. I do plan on doing this, regardless of what he thinks. I'm actually planning on not giving him any details. He has no idea when my surgery date is, or even that I've made one. He knows that I was seriously considering the surgery, and went on a consult.
As much as my stubborn nature infuriates my father, I wonder if he realizes that he's inadvertently created it??
Yes, we are a bit alike in this regard. I have 5 holes in one ear and 3 in the other. I doubt that my step father or your father realize that their actions often influence us to do the exact opposite. I didn't have a close relationship with my step father, so I don't worry about him now that I am an adult. No one knows I've had a BA and I plan on keeping it that way. It's no one's business but my own. Now that you have shared the info, I would not bring it up again. I am betting he won't bring it up either as he will see it as you defying him yet again. If he does, well, you're an adult now, do what makes you happy!!
Hugs,
TerriModerator, BA Boards
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"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties." Harry S Truman


Answer
Terri said it well, just as I am going to say too --- You are an adult now, this is YOUR choice, and it is something you are doing for you and you alone, and well DH too...
I am so sorry you are not receiving the support from your Father that all ladies long to have from our fathers, may heart does go out to you...
You continue to stand strong sweet one, we all are here for you...
I so hope your father will respect You and Your choices as an adult and have no more to say about it, if he can not say anything uplifting and encouraging....
Hugs to you luv....Lezza
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Answer
Oh my goodness sweetie , lots of hugs to you.
As you can see, really, a lot of us had a controlling parent so you are not alone. You say you are planning your speech ? Okay just my very humble opinion so take it for what it is worth. You don't have to PLAN anything ! You don't have to justify or explain. I am glad to see you standing up for yourself though you don't have to drag it out. Simply put. Dad, this is what I am doing and it is for me. if you don't support me, that's fine, that's your choice so I guess we have nothing further to talk about do we. Walk away, It has been my experience that men like this love to try and go on and on and ON to make their point. I wouldn't stay there and give him that. I am thrilled to hear that your DH will be standing behind you, that has to help tremendously. Congratulations on your upcoming BA. Your going to be thrilled and I bet hubby might be rather pleased too!
Also know that yes, your Dad may be stubborn and not "give" but once he knows your set and this is something your going to do you might be surprised to see him come round after some time. Not saying that it will happen but I have seen it happen more often that not. If anything it will be good for him to finally know that your not going to allow him to continue to try and control and manipulate you.
Board of the church , was he ever in the military ? He sounds like he has that "A" type personality that is common amonst military men and say, law enforcement. ( I know, I'm married to one ) He's calmed down with age though, fortunately.
Lots of luck honey and remember, this is YOUR time.http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/viewAlbum.php?albumid=1648
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Answer
Stringbean,
Is your father upset because he knows you received a large sum of money and felt you should pay him back before having your BA?
Another thought would be that if you paid your father off totally he would not have that "hold" on you anymore and possibly more able to stand firm against his "interfering" without worrying he would berate you for having to help you with a car.
Miki
In regard to your father being on the church board-ya might want to discuss the scriptures with him that deal with once you marry you come under your husbands responsibility and not your dads Miki
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