Question
I need to vent a bit today.....
I've had the most absolute horrible week of my entire life....
I'm going to tell my story... I need to get it out... I'm sooo sad....and heartbroken....
My beloved Father died suddenly last Thursday of an Aorta rupture.
I received a phone call at 12:35 last Thursday from a heart surgen at the hospital,
my Father was in horrible shape.... his aorta had ruptured....very badly....he had to go into surgery RIGHT AWAY... but still his chances were less than 50% to come out of the operation.... and if he did... he had less than 50% chance of making it through the recovery..... I thrust the phone at my S/O as my heart was breaking, I was crying so hard that I could no longer talk to the surgen... I ran into the bathroom, feeling like my world was crashing down upon my head, I was close to being hysterical... all I could think of was.... did I tell him how much he meant to me the last time I saw him???? My S/O came into the bathroom, told me he had called my Mother, she was on her way over to look after my children until my other babysitter got off work... [my parents divorced when I was 10 - it was messy and my Mother told us all kinds of horror stories about my Father... I lost alot of years with him - my teen years because I thought he didn't care about us.... but that changed when I found myself homeless at 19 after a horrible fight with my then b/f who beat me up and kicked me out...(even though I was the only one working and paying all the bills!!!).... it was my Father whom I turned to... cause deep down inside... I knew he loved me.... he took me in with no questions... and when I found out I was pregnant not two weeks later... he sat me down and asked if I wanted to try again with the b/f... it was my choice... I could stay in my Father's home (which would always be MY home also... or I could try again for the baby.... I told him what had happened.... the beatings... the emotional abuse.... he was going to kill him... I had to restrain him from going to the b/f's place then..... we had another long talk about what I would do..... he made some rules for me in regards to saving my money (instead of paying rent or food).... he painted his entire apartment for me.... he went and bought new furniture including a sofa bed.... and gave me his bedroom..... I live with him for seven months.... I got to know the man he was.... and I loved him sooo much... he was the smartest, kindest, bravest man I know.... and he was my hero. I had to move out just before I had the baby because he was schedualed for heart surgery. He had Mitral Valve replacement surgery. It was a hard recovery... and I was soo scared for him back then (1990) but he made it.... and it didn't change him... he still had girlfriends, friends, long walks, dart games, cards, and all the other little pleasures that life brings.... he had a new granddaughter and a daughter who thought the world of him.....]
I got to the hospital on Thursday.... about 10 minutes after they got him into the O.R., so I never got to kiss him, or tell him that I was there for him.... to tell him that I love him... the volunteer at the desk told us (my two sisters, my s/o and myself) the the doctors said the surgery should last about 5 hours.... and the longer they were in the O.R. the better for my Father.... so we waited.... and waited...after 4 hours we began to hope.... my mother and older sister went out for some air... my s/o went out for a smoke.... my baby sister and I got called in to talk to the surgen.... we went ....just the two of us... holding hands like little children...praying for the best.... hoping beyond hope.... we were seated in this little room.... about 5 minutes later the surgen came in.... he looked at us and said... I'm soo sorry.... we fixed the rupture.... but there was soo much other damage that he didn't make it......
....we just looked at him.... not wanting to believe.... but knowing it to be the truth.... my daddy was gone.... oh God..... he was gone... and there was nothing that could be done..... the surgen started telling us about the surgery.... the damage... and what he tried to do.... but my mind was gone.... my daddy was dead, and I felt like dying myself.... the pain was so enormous... I couldn't breathe.... I couldn't understand how this could happen....my daddy was just over to give my children presents two weeks before for my son's 4th birthday (everyone got a gift on a birthday - not just birthday child - that way nobody was left out or hurt and jealous [that was my daddy's motto]) and he was fine!!!! HE WAS FINE JUST TWO WEEKS AGO!!!!!! ......after awhile the surgen left..... then my s/o came in.... he took one look at me and knew.... then my mother and older sister came in.... I didn't know what to say .... so I just told them.... Daddy's gone..... he didn't make it..... the damage was too great.... the doctor tried really hard..... but he's gone.... and even as I said the words.... I didn't want to believe them...
....we went in and said our goodbyes to my daddy..... a priest came in and said the last rites for him.... I just stood there... looking at my daddy... thinking that this just WAS NOT happening....
when we finally left the hospital... I felt soo guilty leaving him there.... I cannot describe how horrible I felt knowing that they were going to put my daddy in the morgue.... he would be cold... and alone.... (I knew he was no longer there to know these things... but I still couldn't shake those feelings).... I bawled like a baby the entire drive..... we went to my fathers home..... to see if we could find out some information about what he wanted in case this happened.... it was horrible.... going through his stuff... knowing he was never coming back....
.... I made all the arrangements to take care of my daddy.... his funeral.... his apartment..... everything was left up to me to do.... or was everyone glad when I stepped up and took care of things so they didn't have to? .... I think that my Father would have been please with what I did for him.... I tried to stay strong.... I took care of him... like he took care of me....
I will miss him...
....he was my hero.... and I love him very much.....
....and he will be sadly missed by his three grand children...... he will live on always through me and my babies....
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.... it's taken over an hour to type....I keep stopping to bawl.... it's been one week tonight since his death.... and it is still so unreal.... I cannot believe that he's gone.... tomorrow I go back and pick up his ashes...
Answer
Hi Lyn893,
I just read your post and I'm very sorry that this happened (though it would happen sooner or later, but we all hope for later) *hugs* It made me cry. I really hope things work out for you after what happened, but for now I think it's best to grieve and let everything out. Cry all you want, you may feel better afterwards.
Good luck to you and your family and stay strong.
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I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 1990 when I was only 22. I truly can feel your pain and I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I was very close to my mom and I felt the exact same stuff you are feeling when she died. A part of me died. Where was the reason for this? One of the most precious people I knew was gone. I know it probably doesn't help you much, but I did want to tell you how I finally came to grips with my mom's death and accepted it. I realized that I was truly blessed to have been touched by her presence for the time that I was and even though the pain was almost unbearable at the time, it was truly worth it just to have known her. My mom never got to meet my kids, more importantly, they never got to meet her, but I truly feel like she's their guardian angel. Your dad touched your life in a very positive, caring way. He sounds like he was a very loving, compassionate person. Carry that with you and pass it onto your children so that they will be like him. What better tribute to his memory? Life will never be the same without him, but because of him it is better. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Take Care!
Sherri.
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My deepest sympathys and understanding, my father too was my hero, and 2yrs ago he died at home in front of me, while I was giving him cpr he took his lifes last breath in my face.
I understand your pain of the suddeness of it and how hard it was to be the one who was strong. HUG.....
I wish I could tell you words of wisdom from one who's been there but, I know that you hurt from your soul and right now you need to cry and get angry at the senslessness of it.
I can only offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with.
Angels wings around you.
With love Picca
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Dear Lynn, I know there is not much to say at a time like this except how sorry I am for your pain. What has touched me so.. is the love you shared and have for you DAD. My Dad died at 49, had a massive coronary at 37, disabled after that, and since I was only 11 at the first episode, I was too young to understand. I then rebelled, and was confused, and his medications didn't help him to be a nice person at the time, and I'm sure, looking back, he was confused and angered, being so young and all. Well, he died, I never cried. We never had a funeral or any service. Mom gave his body to science. To me at the time, it really wasn't real, or something, because I guess I just put it away in my mind, like he never existed.We had alot of turmoil, me being a teenager during his illness. Now, I'm 42, he died over 20 yrs ago, my kids don't have a grandfather, I'm seeing alot that I didn't realize before, wished I had seen then.
Life is so hard and so short, I'm so sorry your DAD had to be taken to the Lord at this time, we always want to know why? And then theres the ifs.....
You are a very insightful person, you gave your Dad the love that you had for him, he knew that you loved him, my DAD didn't, cause I didn't even know if I did. He had been mean to me, mentally, but not sexually or physically.
Just know, that at this difficult time in your life that as hard as this loss is to accept, there is a REASON for this, even though we cannot understand it at this time. Your DAD loves you and knows how much you love him and will miss him here on earth, and how much your kids will miss him and miss his love. You will make it and be stronger and he will live in you.
Again, Lynn, I just wish you the strength to get through this time, you will make it! XXXOOWendy
