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AJ, Talk, Talk, & more Talk But , let it be known, once can be a mistake but!!! twice is not. So in your talks, let THAT be most understood. Hope all turns out for the best.

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hereubb/smile.gif
But , let it be known, once can be a mistake but!!! twice is not. So in your talks, let THAT be most understood. Hope all turns out for the best.

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dear hardheaded, been there, done that, LOSE HIM NOW. anyone who you truly believes loves you would NEVER do this to you. Move forward and keep that awful visual in your mind. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever do. Build your self esteem, it is suffering right now. love yourself first, then others. I sound jaded and bitter, but much better off now believe it or not. please take my advice to heart, there are some wonderful men out there, just need to take time to find them...You come first. I'm sorry your hurting now, time is the best healer, puts things right in perspective. Hang in there!! susan

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Hi Hardheaded~ 7 years ago my husband also cheated on me, with a girl I was trying to help. She was married, her and her husband were having problems and I was trying to be a good friend and help her out. Needless to say, she ended up "helping" herself to my husband.
On the night that I found out (a friend of hers actually called me and told me) I was shocked, mad, scared (we had 2 kids at the time)you name it I'm sure I went thru that emotion that night, I even slapped him a few times, he just stood there and took it (just a side note, I have never before or after this hit my husband.) I called my sister and talked to her before I ever spoke with my husband because I needed somebody to be rational with me. She said I had two choices, kick him to the curb or try and make it work. I chose to try and make my marriage work, and it has. We have since had another child and am actually more in love with him today than I ever was before.
When this first happened I tried to blame the girl and my husband both, I wanted revenge against her. I will not tell you that she is not to blame, to a point she is, but your husband could have said no. This is his fault, put the blame where it needs to be. I hope you also realize that no matter what problems you may or may not have been having in your marriage, it in no way excuses his behavior. You did nothing wrong either, so I hope you do not blame yourself. I too could not get the image of them together out of my head. I wanted to know where, when and how..their affair happened over a span of a month, so you try and figure out how many times they did "it".
Hardheaded, time really does heal all wounds. I know when I was at the point you are now, I had my doubts. I can sit here today, 7 years later, and tell my story and it does not bother me at all. Remember it is not your fault, he has to earn back the trust and it will take lots of time. If you need to chat im me, my heart goes out to you. You can make this marriage work, hang in there girl.
( sorry this was so long But , let it be known, once can be a mistake but!!! twice is not. So in your talks, let THAT be most understood. Hope all turns out for the best.

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dear hardheaded, been there, done that, LOSE HIM NOW. anyone who you truly believes loves you would NEVER do this to you. Move forward and keep that awful visual in your mind. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever do. Build your self esteem, it is suffering right now. love yourself first, then others. I sound jaded and bitter, but much better off now believe it or not. please take my advice to heart, there are some wonderful men out there, just need to take time to find them...You come first. I'm sorry your hurting now, time is the best healer, puts things right in perspective. Hang in there!! susan

Answer

Hi Hardheaded~ 7 years ago my husband also cheated on me, with a girl I was trying to help. She was married, her and her husband were having problems and I was trying to be a good friend and help her out. Needless to say, she ended up "helping" herself to my husband.
On the night that I found out (a friend of hers actually called me and told me) I was shocked, mad, scared (we had 2 kids at the time)you name it I'm sure I went thru that emotion that night, I even slapped him a few times, he just stood there and took it (just a side note, I have never before or after this hit my husband.) I called my sister and talked to her before I ever spoke with my husband because I needed somebody to be rational with me. She said I had two choices, kick him to the curb or try and make it work. I chose to try and make my marriage work, and it has. We have since had another child and am actually more in love with him today than I ever was before.
When this first happened I tried to blame the girl and my husband both, I wanted revenge against her. I will not tell you that she is not to blame, to a point she is, but your husband could have said no. This is his fault, put the blame where it needs to be. I hope you also realize that no matter what problems you may or may not have been having in your marriage, it in no way excuses his behavior. You did nothing wrong either, so I hope you do not blame yourself. I too could not get the image of them together out of my head. I wanted to know where, when and how..their affair happened over a span of a month, so you try and figure out how many times they did "it".
Hardheaded, time really does heal all wounds. I know when I was at the point you are now, I had my doubts. I can sit here today, 7 years later, and tell my story and it does not bother me at all. Remember it is not your fault, he has to earn back the trust and it will take lots of time. If you need to chat im me, my heart goes out to you. You can make this marriage work, hang in there girl.
( sorry this was so long )

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Hello and once again thanks for the words of wisdom everyone, especially christie s. and cozy!
Christie, you story reminds me of my own in a lot of ways. I am really happy that you and your hubby were able to overcome this and have your marriage be better than ever! I hope that I can have the same attitude about the whole thing in the future as you do!
Right now it seems kind of hard to believe that some day I'll be able to think about this and not be upset about the whole thing, cuz I still think about it every day--and yes, I would like to get my revenge, too. But the more mature part of me keeps remembering "karma".
And yes, I do know that he is just as responsible as she was, for it comes back to the fact that he still should have said no. Of course I can't change the past no matter how much I'd like to in this case. Like I've said in past posts, I have good days and bad days. In my heart I KNOW that I made the right decision, but there are times when the doubts surface. Knowing that someone else has experienced the same feelings as I am going through now, and was able to work things through successfully really gives me hope and reaffirms that my decision was the right one.
Anyways, thanks again everyone--your support has made this so much easier to deal with!! )

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Hello and once again thanks for the words of wisdom everyone, especially christie s. and cozy!
Christie, you story reminds me of my own in a lot of ways. I am really happy that you and your hubby were able to overcome this and have your marriage be better than ever! I hope that I can have the same attitude about the whole thing in the future as you do!
Right now it seems kind of hard to believe that some day I'll be able to think about this and not be upset about the whole thing, cuz I still think about it every day--and yes, I would like to get my revenge, too. But the more mature part of me keeps remembering "karma".
And yes, I do know that he is just as responsible as she was, for it comes back to the fact that he still should have said no. Of course I can't change the past no matter how much I'd like to in this case. Like I've said in past posts, I have good days and bad days. In my heart I KNOW that I made the right decision, but there are times when the doubts surface. Knowing that someone else has experienced the same feelings as I am going through now, and was able to work things through successfully really gives me hope and reaffirms that my decision was the right one.
Anyways, thanks again everyone--your support has made this so much easier to deal with!!
AJ
PS. IM would be great, Christie!

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hereubb/smile.gif
AJ
PS. IM would be great, Christie!

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hardheadedb97:
My first husband was with every woman that would let him, and my current husband left his first wife for a fling. We both learned that it is easier to work with what we have, and that cheating only makes things worse. So we remain faithful to each other.
If he did cheat, though, I would make him leave and win me back, and I would take time for my anger.
I would not let him stay as though he didn't damage our relationship, and I would not blame myself or the other woman, wrong though she would be.
I think it was selfish of your husband to tell you about this to absolve his guilty feelings. He should have kept that burden to himself if it is really over and never meant anything.
That girl had not made a vow of fidelity to you.
Your husband did, and HE broke his word, not her.
I hope that you make HIM tow the line in recreating the bond of trust between you again. It is not your job to fix what is wrong. It is his.
I don't care if a woman is standing there stark naked, a married man has the responsibilty to walk away. She did not force him against his will.
I think the sooner you direct your anger toward the one that deserves it, the sooner you can get past this and make healthy decisions for the future. I don't think you can get your self-esteem back until you hold him responsible, and not try to fix this so he can feel comfortable. If there is Karma, what about him doing a 17 yeear old, and cheating on his wife?
I am all for staying married, if you can face this as it really is and get past it.
More power to you!
AJ
PS. IM would be great, Christie!

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hardheadedb97:
My first husband was with every woman that would let him, and my current husband left his first wife for a fling. We both learned that it is easier to work with what we have, and that cheating only makes things worse. So we remain faithful to each other.
If he did cheat, though, I would make him leave and win me back, and I would take time for my anger.
I would not let him stay as though he didn't damage our relationship, and I would not blame myself or the other woman, wrong though she would be.
I think it was selfish of your husband to tell you about this to absolve his guilty feelings. He should have kept that burden to himself if it is really over and never meant anything.
That girl had not made a vow of fidelity to you.
Your husband did, and HE broke his word, not her.
I hope that you make HIM tow the line in recreating the bond of trust between you again. It is not your job to fix what is wrong. It is his.
I don't care if a woman is standing there stark naked, a married man has the responsibilty to walk away. She did not force him against his will.
I think the sooner you direct your anger toward the one that deserves it, the sooner you can get past this and make healthy decisions for the future. I don't think you can get your self-esteem back until you hold him responsible, and not try to fix this so he can feel comfortable. If there is Karma, what about him doing a 17 yeear old, and cheating on his wife?
I am all for staying married, if you can face this as it really is and get past it.
More power to you! I hope that you can.
[This message has been edited by friend (edited 05-22-2002).]