Question
Hi there, I am new at this, but I sure could use some advice from people who have been in the same situation as I am in now. I've been reading different message boards out there and it sounds like I came to the right place. Ok, here goes... My problem is that I just recently found out that my hubby of almost five years cheated on me about three years ago. When I first found out I experienced every emotion imaginable-shock, hurt, anger (I wanted to sew the wench shut!!)you name it. All understandable reactions, I'm sure. We sat down and had a long talk about it, and are on the way to working it out. Since I just found out last week I' still trying to sort it all out. I have bad days where that is all I can picture and it makes me almost physically ill. But I try to think of all the good times that we have and how happy he makes me. He told me that it only happened the one time and I want to believe him, but I feel like I am somehow responsible for it happening even though he's told me that it had nothing to do with me. I should mention the fact that she was 18 and I thought she was a friend at the time this happened. She reminded me a lot of myself at a younger age and was going through a lot of the same problems I did, so I tried to "save" her from making the same mistakes I did in my youth. I found out last summer when my hubby and I were having problems, that she had hit on him, but he said nothing happened. I still had a nagging doubt and finally asked him straight out what happened between them and that is when he told me he had sex with her. I feel betrayed by the fact that someone who I thought was a "friend" would go after my husband like that (I've always had a hard time making women friends because they always seem to stab me in the back-no offense to anyone out there!) It also hurt me deeply because he originally lied to me about it because he didn't want to hurt me. I am grateful for the fact that he told me the truth (how weird is that?!) He said that she continued to hit on him after he had sex with her but he turned her down because he said that he felt bad enough that it happened the one time. He says that he has always loved me even when we've had problems in the past, and that with her it was just a F--K. He's very sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. But there are times when I feel like if he didn't want to hurt me he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Does anyone out there know where I'm coming from? I still love him and he's stuck by me through some really difficult times. I don't want to punish him for something that happened 3 years ago and doesn't change the person he is inside, the man that I fell in love with. To me, divorce would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face, does that make sense? Why should I be miserable without him because he made a mistake? (We have kids, too). Does that make me a terrible person because I have decided to try to work it out-I know a lot of people would have told him get lost. I originally thought that is what I would have said, but now that its happened its not as black and white as it appeared when it was hypothetical. I also feel that because I messed around with a few married men when I was single that this is my punishment for that (what comes around goes around). I can honestly say that if I had known the pain that this could cause someone I never would have done it. My husband is very surprised by my reaction to the whole thing because I can be pretty hot-headed, and I am having a hard time getting him to see that while I don't think it was OK for him to do it, I don't want it to ruin our marriage. Any advice on how I can explain that to him? I've already tried to let him know that it doesn't change the person he is, and I'm not letting it affect our "nightlife". He seems kind of distracted because of my reaction and he says that is because I have caught him so offguard. I could also use some advice on how to stop from obsessing over the mental image of the two of them together. I know time heals all wounds and I've been trying to stay busy so my mind doesn't wander. I guess most of all I would like to hear from people out there who can offer me some good moral support who can say that they've been through the same thing and that it will all work out. Keeping a positive attitude on the whole thing is helping, but it can be rather difficult at times. I look forward to hearing from you.

Answer

I believe that issues of infidelity need to be judged on a case-by-case basis, by the couple involved.
My first husband cheated on me we decided we would try to work it out. Then I discovered he had not just cheated on me the once, but several times with diffferent women. Needless to say we were divorced, and it for me was the best move I ever made. (I didnt think so at the time though I had a baby 4 months old)
It will take along time to get over that visual. Most women find it takes several months to several years to trust again, if ever. Only you can look inside yourself and decide what to do. I do recommend marriage counseling. One word of warning though. Most men who have a one night stand go on to have multiple affairs in the future.
Gracie


Answer

Dear Hardheaded:
Oh yes I have certainly been there. The pain is unbearable and the trust takes a long long time. But just remember, you can't totally blame the girl because he should have said NO. Plus you don't know if he lied to her about the two of you. I can remember sitting in the freezing rain in December behind a girls house. I sat there from 10:30pm till 8:30 the next morning when he came out. I was devestated. For us this was not the only time though and so you know what happened to that marriage. You have to let him know that your trust will have to be earned no matter how slowly. Hon I wish you the very best and remember this: It is NOT your fault. You are not the one who cheated.
Sue

Answer

I agree with the previous posts. It hurts now because you found out now, but it happened three years ago. It happened to me, also. I had to take a long look at why it happened. I wasn't being the best partner, that is not saying it was your fault, he did it as my ex-boyfriend did but, I was treating him very bad. Like the first person that posted said...it has to be taken on a case to case basis. I forgave my ex- boyfriend, we broke up after that for another reason. It is the mental imagining that is the hardest. Time heals all wounds. I remember when my ex cheated, I almost obsessed over it. I would have this mental image that wouldn't go away. I found that as time went on I didn't care anymore. it went away.

Answer

First of all i want to tell you how sorry I am to hear that you are going through this. I have never been in your situation & I pray that I never have to face what you are at this time. All I know to say to you is GOOD FOR YOU. You sound like you have realy kept your calm & thought things through and most important, you love your husband. I wish I had some advice for you but i do not. I just wanted to tell you how strong I think you are being and that if you love this man & you feel that you will be able to overcome the pain he has caused you then I say go for it. I do not want to bad mouth him or the choices that he has made because you are aware of that fact but the one positive I do have to say is it sounds like he truely loves you as well or he would have never spoken a ward to you about it. It sounds like (to me anyway) that the guilt was really getting to him because he was sorry for doing that & the only choice he had was to tell you. I do not think people do that if they are not sorry for what they have done. Please stay strong & remember that there are a lot of great people here that will hold your hand all the through this problam (in my case several ). Take care & know someone is almost allways here to answer your posts.
Best wishes to you,
Kim
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Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, today is a GIFT, that it is why it is called the present.